Carbon Copies

Genetic imprint? Call it what one may, it is strange how certain patterns of behaviours and games repeat themselves.

"Amma, Sadhvi says she has vampire teeth. If she bites, she can suck blood and she enjoys the taste," my daughter told me, transporting me back immediately to my early school days.

"Nisha says you love eating human flesh," I remember a friend telling me about another friend. I had sat down and cried - quite a melodramatic scene it was. All the boys and girls surrounded me and asked me to have lunch. I said, "No, I will only have flesh!" Wonder why no one thought of calling the bluff and saying there was plenty around me to bite into!

"There is ghost" is another all time favourite.

How do these tales find their way into the mouths of every school-going child sometime or the other?

Parenting Debate

Will this ever end? Especially when there are three generations under the same roof!

You need to be strict, the grandparents agree, and then undo the strictness by indulging.

Our system of mugging tables was best, says grandfather, unable to relate to the Montessori system. What system is this that doesn't help child keep numbers at finger tips? How can they complain about the child that she doesn't know? - he asks incensed. Try telling him that they are not complaining about her lack of knowledge but lack of application.

Are they eating well, they ask with concern about the children. And then promptly buy all the junk food they love.

Go go, get ready/go to bed, they send the children, and then sit back listening to their tall tales.

They may be at variance on some points, but who cannot help smiling when the child runs to the grandparent to share the tales, enjoy the stories they tell and bite into the goodies they bring? There is much more noise at any point of the day, there is much more life.

Benign Parenting

Back to School

Summer vacations over - and at the end of it, it does seem to have flown by quickly.

Saw my son growing up - from being dependent on my daughter, his elder sister, for playing with friends, he has learnt to make his own friends and deal with his situations.

Cricket bat and ball - that is all he can think of all the time.

Even the fights between my daughter and son were about cricket - it was a no ball, it is an LBW, you are clean bold, it is a wide ball... Amazed how much they pick up quickly!

For daughter too, not having her younger brother around her has been unsettling though a relief in some ways. She is defining herself - I get irritated quickly, I don't like doing certain things, I love certain other things...

Mini adults is how I see them - sigh, except when they have to do their chores...

Lock for the Mouth

There was a choice. When the I heard another I enthusiastically, innocently assume its presence made a world of difference, to break that moment with truth.

The I raised its head, protesting that another I could presume so much. Compassion asked it to be quiet - the joy in the other's eyes was more important than breaking the I.

But the I bristled. It is falsehood, it said self-righteously.

So? asked Compassion. It's a harmless delusion.

Then I sulked. It upsets the balance, the I said. It was like a personal challenge that the I had to take up.

When the moment of decision came, the I blurted out, unmindful of all counter arguments, unmindful of the fading light in the other's eyes. But the dimming lights made it pause. It was a pyrhhic victory, at best, it realised too late.

Compassion stepped in, but it was too late. If only there had been a lock ready for the mouth.

A Habit?

If you behave, you will get a chocolate.

You can play video games if you complete your homework.

You will get a cycle if you do well in exams.

Offer this money in the temple and pray that you succeed in this competition.

I have promised god that you will tonsure your head if you get through in engineering.

I paid the traffic policeman a 100 to avoid going to the station for jumping the signal.

Pay that tout, we will get the passport faster.

Buy in black, I have to watch this movie today.

Pay the shopkeeper extra so that he will deliver the gas cylinder early for you...

From childhood to adulthood, this is all we see and do.

Have we done anything purely on merit? Can we blame only a class of people for corruption.

When a hospital/doctor knows you can claim medical bills, they hike up their charges. A doctor says that this is the most corrupt field - with liasioning between doctors and medical shops, diagnostic centres, etc.

A man I met yesterday says corruption is highest in temples. For every stage of temple construction and maintenance there is money filling up pockets.

Judges...we have scams as headlines.

Teachers - tuitions, the best way to win their favour.

Journalists - the gift at the press conference had better be good!

Where do we begin to clean?

The Lotus

A water drop fell on its petals. The petal sagged a bit, enjoying the feel of the cool drop on its skin. It let the drop roll down the length of its petal before falling into the water below and merging with it.

It looked up again to see if another drop would make its way. A slight disappointment that the water had run off bothered it awhile till the sun came up and burned the earth below. The lotus looked up and smiled, basking in its warmth, blooming happily, swaying in the gentle breeze.

The sun came down, and the petals closed, drooping sadly at the end to a good day.

The dew drops will fall again, the sun will rise again, the lotus thought before the last of its petals closed.

Benign Parenting

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. - Kahlil Gibran.

A quote I fervently hold on to, and so am probably almost a negligent parent. I believe children have to find their way around in life as best as they can, and we can only provide them with a secure home to come back to.

So when my children have problems with their friends, I have a hands off policy - deal with it yourself, see what is it that you can do to make it better.

But when recently my daughter was denied entry into the house of the friend she is closest to, I was upset. Maybe because adults had intervened. The girl's grandparents passed an edict against my daughter, and this time, I knew she was not at fault as the incident had happened when I was around. I saw my daughter depressed that evening, and I felt a rock in my stomach. I tried not to get involved. But for three days she went to their house hoping to be let in and wasn't. I wanted to rage against the grandparents, call the mother and amicably resolve this, then decided against all of it.

Three days later, she wanted to bring this friend swimming with us, I frowned.

Before I could comment, the girl was here, and they made plans and she left to get ready.

My daughter came to me, visibly excited, her eyes shining, "Amma, do you think this girl and I are related? Like is she your father's brother's brother's brother's cousin's cousin's cousin or something like that?"

"Why?" I asked, already feeling stupid for getting emotionally attached to this issue.

"We fight, but... We spend the entire time togeter - except mornings. I feel we maybe related, we are very close."

I silently took the two swimming and watched the girl teach my daughter breast stroke. I realised for the nth time that though my daughter still preferred the shallow side in the pool, because of this girl, she dares go underwater and is less frightened of water.

The only thing I can say in my defense is, I kept my trap shut even when I was raring to blast out.

Killing with Kindness

For some space, peace and silence. No solicitous enquiries, no being taken care of, no benign watching over.

And then walks in a friend, a relative, a neighbour, with good intentions, wanting to give you care, help you tide over the period.. They genuinely care. This is their moment to show they care. They think you need the care.

But do you? Are you ready for it? Even if you beg to be spared their kindness and they insist? Are you being ungrateful or the caregiver being a pest?

It seems like an ego trip for the care-giver, an opportunity to show off, or a way not to feel guilty that they did any less. And it seems as if your independence, your privacy is gone.

Can we thrust care down someone's throat just because they are down, out or we think they need it?

If we keep a distance, will they think us uncaring?

If we ignore their offer for care, are we a snob?

Is it just a perspective, yet another puzzle in human relationships that never fits?

Also on: Perspective

Growing Up: Part II

My son was my daughter's shadow. Even if he was surrounded by other friends, he needed her to take him down, be around, include him in her games and bring him back home safely.

She was a little mother, even if complaining sometimes, willing still.

Then he turned 5. And he announced, "You go down, I will follow. Tell me where you will be."

I had been panicking that he will end up playing girly games, that he will only have girls for friends.

Today, he doesn't care if she is there or not. He goes down and comes up on his own. Plays with older boys, and complains he gets out quickly in cricket. But he is thrilled to be with boys.

But he is suddenly a little man. A rowdy, more like.

When my daughter grew up: Growing Up

From the Babe's Mouth: Part III

Is it the vacation that is giving my daughter time to think up all this?

"Appa," she asks as he is dropping off to sleep. "Can gods die?"

Silence before he answers, "He is not born so He cannot die."

"But if he is not born, how is he there?"

"He is energy, which is not born and does not die."

"What is energy?" Before he can answer. "But gods are Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva...they are like us, no?"

"We give the energy names so that we can understand It better."

"So what is energy?"

"I will explain this properly to you sometime. Now go to sleep."

More of her questions at: Rebirth; Life and Death

Rebirth: From Babe's Mouths

"Amma, I have to ask you one thing. Actually, two things" my daughter started in her characteristic style. "First, I want to know when life ends."

"You asked me that earlier," I reminded her.

"Yes, but what I want to know is, we are born as baby, then become an akka, then mother, then grandmother; then again we are born, then dadadada, then dadada; then again... So I want to know when this will end." She sounded like she was already tired of being born again and again.

So I escaped with the tale of dinosaurs, how they became extinct, but others came in their place.

"Ok, I want to know what I was in the previous birth. Does anyone know? Like if I was Chinese or something else." And I always wondered why the reiki I did on myself when she was in my womb and the Ojas for pregnant women that I listened to had not had a positive impact!

If other parents get such queries, I replied, "That's because if you remembered that you were Chinese, you will want to go back to your Chinese mother and not love me."

That satisfied her for the time being - relief.

Is she just 7?
The first  time she asked me the first question: Life and Death

The Enticing Evil

There is something about villains that make them more interesting than the straight faced, honest to god heroes.

While watching Ten Commandments recently - and for the first time, I shamefully confess - Rameses, thanks to the actor no doubt, comes out in flying colours. He is confident, fearless and ready to stand by what he believes. His play of emotions keeps you riveted to the plot. And I felt sorry when he is finally defeated - is he to be blamed if from childhood he is denied what he thinks is rightfully his? (Now, don't tell me that his attitude to the Jews was shameful. It was, is and will be - enslaving anyone... More on that later.)

Even in the serials that I do not watch but occasionally catch glimpses of, it is the villains who seem to have all the fun. They dress up richly - not to my taste, but at least to theirs hopefully. The only hero or the heroine who gets my sympathy are those who decide to match wit for wit, believe in eye for an eye. Those who show the other cheek somehow seem to deserve just that - a tight slap.

In real life? Is anyone so bad or good? Can you hate anyone completely? Sadly, even the ones you hate seem to have sympathisers who are not like them at all. And you grudgingly have to agree that there must be something likeable about them.

Well, one man's cake is another man's poison.

Spotlight On

She turned son against father so she may queen over others.

She turned brother against brother so he may not share the wealth.

She turned daughter against son so she may cow the daughter-in-law down.

She turned son against daughter-in-law so she could tie him to her apron strings.

She turned daughter against son-in-law so he may not speak sense to her.

She turned friend against friend for no one could be friends but with her.

She stood alone, sent from home to home.

She wondered why, when she cultivated them for her own good.

Have you read: Bringing Up

Looking for Happiness

Indian lore

God gave man everything and yet he was not satisfied. God rushed up the mountains to avoid man, but he tracked Him there. God hid in the oceans, but he followed diligently.

Frustrated and unable to satiate this demon called man, God turned to a wise sage and said, "Man is chasing me all around looking for happiness. However much I give him, he wants more. He tires me...how can I escape him?"

The wise sage said, "Hide in his heart and he shall never find you there."

Man is still looking for God and happiness.

*****
Gibran
Man went looking for peace. Peace came knocking on his door and he said, "Go away, I am looking for peace."

*********

When peace and happiness lie within us, why do we think external factors can affect it?

(I hadn't heard of the movie, The Great Indian Butterfly. Some of you may enjoy it. I did.)

Have you also read: The Super Eye; Life and Death

Life and Death

My seven year old daughter wanted to know: If life begins, it has to end too, no? So how and when will it end?

She had me zapped on two counts. One, that she could think such a thought. But secondly, because, I have had three different conversations with three sets of people of my age on parallel lives and death.

I hate to go deep in there because it makes me nervous and taut...it is like thin air - you understand it when you talk about it, but lose the meaning the moment you end your statement. Is this right, is this what you meant? Are what we think "other animals" parallel lives that we don't understand and so consider humans as the supreme creation, because of sixth sense etc? Or are their other planets where our lives are mirrored...or we are mirroring other worlds? Are we part of a reality show, or are we the audience? Are we in the dream, or are we dreaming?

Apparently the book Vasishta's Yoga deals with it...for those who are interested. I myself - I prefer the dream world of fiction. A parallel world clearly dreamt up for popular consumption.

God give me patience...

...but please hurry. Summer vacations start today.

When I love my children the most:

1) They are asleep and it is not time yet for them to wake up.
2) They are in school and there is still time for them to return.
2) They are out playing and it is still too early for them to be home.
3) They are engrossed watching TV and not trying to kill each other...and it is not time for them to switch it off yet.
4) They are petting each other oblivious to mommy dear screaming her head off for their having fought just a second before.

Careless Whispers

Words once uttered cannot be taken back. Like an arrow, it can find its mark and hurt. One can only hope at times that it misses its mark and is impotent.

Words spoken in confidence, spoken in anger, spoken in genuine concern - they can all misfire and come back in a form that is surprising and twisted out of context. It poisons the air for the person who said them, the person who heard them and the person about whom it was. And yet, though we may experience the consequences of our indiscretion - intended or not - the one lock for which there is no key is the mouth and we continue to exercise it as if our weight loss depends on it!

Recently on hearing Wham's Careless Whispers, I couldn't help recollecting the zillions of times I said something and it was misconstrued, causing heartache.

In all humility, I think if we learn not to mind the words but take in the essence, there will be less pain in the world. If someone has said something, to see if one can learn from what they intend saying rather than what they actually said. Not to take it back to them and fight about it, but be polite and keep one's distance, and try not to repeat the mistake. For there is a learning in every situation. And maybe in being bitched about too!

And...not to carry tale from one to another. If A bitches about B, not to think it our duty to immediately convey to B what was said by A. Maybe A said it in a context, and only to unburden, not for B to hear it. By being an unwitting conduit, we can only worsen the situation.

But the mouth, the loose mouth, the eager mouth...sigh! To control it is more difficult than a tsunami that visits only once in a whil.

Growing Up

In 2008, my then six-year-old daughter struggled to comprehend the joke the 10-year-old boy told her. Suddenly in the previous five days, I noticed how much she had grown!

She was given a berth of her own in the train. Onwards, she slept in the lower berth, but while returning, we had to risk sending her to the middle one.

At the resort we stayed, she independently made friends with uncles and aunties and didn’t cling to me as was her wont. If any known adult passed her without noticing, she made it a point to shyly call them and say hi!

But the return was the cutest part. She found out the boy’s name, sat with him as he played on his father’s cellphone. He was sweet enough to include her in the game. Then the two of them lay on the two middle berths in our coupe, while I was on side upper with my younger son. My girl and the boy continued to chat, and I could hear him asking her questions, telling her jokes and patiently waiting for her to comprehend them. I wanted to rush to her and explain, I wanted her to stop talking and sleep. The one sensible thing I did was to resist the urge. I think she was managing fairly well and it did her self-esteem good to be having an “adult” conversation on her own. The two shut up on their own, and went off to sleep without any help from us grown ups.

And, now, she wants to have light skin!

Where do they pick up such ideas! How does their minds expand to understand complex details and life skills?

When do they cease needing us?

When do we start wanting them around us more?

Never Say No

My mother says that. Let me start with this...in movies, there will be this hero or heroine who will keep quoting his or her mother/father and I have always wondered about such "quotable" people.

I was thrillled that I could start with this quote. "Never say no, for that is what you will get," meri maa kehti thi...truly. Though she said it only in one context which I won't get into here.

But it applies so well to certain things in my life. I said: I will not study literature, become a journalist, learn to type or use computers, or become a teacher.

Graduated in BA Literature
Second job onwards, been in a journalistic set up.
Have to use computers to type in stories, and am pretty fast with typing.
The only thing I managed to achieve till last year was not become a teacher. This year was a dance teacher at my kids' school.

Each has been a satisfying experience. On Mar 12, when the annual day happened, the applause to the show my six kids put up was heart-warming... Will do it again, and again, and again...

Glad that you sometimes get what you don't want. Or else, how will you know how satisfying an experience it can be?

Like is not to love

In the book Hearts in Atlantis by Stephen King, a man in his 60s tells a 11 year old boy - your mother may not like you, but she loves you.

Love does not preclude like?

And yet, we want our loved ones to have the behaviour we like...or else, that love gets clouded by anger, disappointment, contempt.

One size fits all, what's right for me is right for you, or else...

Is this why relationships get strained - because we can't distinguish between love and like, because we don't know that love is above likes and dislikes?