I was taking my customary evening walk a bit late in my apartment complex when a bunch of children came running my way. They were 8 years and younger, boys and girls, prancing around the complex in a carefree manner. My own children were upstairs, their curfew time starting earlier than that of these children.
One of the girls suddenly chimed, "Aunty, your son threw stones at us."
I was shocked. I couldn't associate it with my 10-year-old son. He was used to playing with girls - older and younger - so it seemed strange that he should start being violent with them suddenly.
Which mother ever thinks badly about her child? Even discounting that, and the fact that he can irritate his sister, I still didn't think he would throw stones in such a way that someone would want to complain about it. And yet, here was this girl, doing just that.
"Why did he throw stones?" I asked, wondering if there was a provocation.
"We just asked him to play with us. Then he rubbed off the lines we had made with chalk."
Children will be children, but this was a side to him that I didn't know of and didn't want to encourage or ignore. I had enough sense to finish my walk and not rage into my house. I was sensible enough to wait for dinner to get over.
I called him gently to me and asked him what had happened downstairs. He blinked. I asked him about throwing stones at the girls. "Of course not, I didn't do it."
"Then why did she say you did?"
"In fact, the girls had brought pebbles from the swimming pool. When they called my friend and me to play with them, I teased them about the game, collected all the pebbles and put them back in the pool. I don't know if my friend threw stones at them."
"They mentioned only your name."
"I took the pebbles, but put them back in the pool. The maintenance man was also there and said that he had tried stopping the girls from taking it but they didn't listen."
"If you are sure you didn't do anything, I am fine with it. Just make sure that you never hit or harm anyone," I cautioned him.
"I know they are trying to get me into trouble because I teased them about their game saying it was childish," he added.
The next evening, I brought this up during dinner in a casual conversation since I wanted my husband also to know about it. My elder daughter jumped in, "Oh that girl! She bosses everyone around. In fact, she told a boy that she will remove his clothes if he didn't listen to her and then told her parents that the boy (who is all of 6 years, by the way) had said it to her. Her father went to pick a fight with the boy's parents for this offensive statement."
I was shocked and bothered. Her accusing my son of throwing stones at her paled in contrast. On further investigation, I came to know:
Boys A&B - bother younger and smaller than her - were playing with her. She twisted the finger of Boy A, who hit her back. The fight picked up steam and she pulled off the glasses of Boy B, who, seeing she didn't wear anything he could pull off except clothes, threatened to do that. The girl threatened the boys, "I will get you into trouble." And she did just that, accusing the boys of twisting her finger and threatening her with stripping. The next day, she also asked Boy A how his mother had reacted after her father had complained.
Children play, hit each other, even say bad things. Yes, they also manipulate. As adults, we must let them deal with it, soothe them and teach them to let it go or make an issue only if it is repeated. If we fight their battles for them, then the tendency to manipulate will only be reinforced.
But what shook me was that this was no innocent children's fight, to be forgotten by morning after a good night's sleep.
And, if she had accused an older boy of this, or if she continues this manipulation as she grows older - which she well may because of its success now, boys had better watch out.
Thirdly, if boys' parents think their sons can do no harm, do girls' parents also assume their daughters are innocent and it is the boys who initiate all mischief?
The Tamil saying, don't believe your eyes, don't believe your ears; investigate well before making a case is very apt for such occasions.
One of the girls suddenly chimed, "Aunty, your son threw stones at us."
I was shocked. I couldn't associate it with my 10-year-old son. He was used to playing with girls - older and younger - so it seemed strange that he should start being violent with them suddenly.
Which mother ever thinks badly about her child? Even discounting that, and the fact that he can irritate his sister, I still didn't think he would throw stones in such a way that someone would want to complain about it. And yet, here was this girl, doing just that.
"Why did he throw stones?" I asked, wondering if there was a provocation.
"We just asked him to play with us. Then he rubbed off the lines we had made with chalk."
Children will be children, but this was a side to him that I didn't know of and didn't want to encourage or ignore. I had enough sense to finish my walk and not rage into my house. I was sensible enough to wait for dinner to get over.
I called him gently to me and asked him what had happened downstairs. He blinked. I asked him about throwing stones at the girls. "Of course not, I didn't do it."
"Then why did she say you did?"
"In fact, the girls had brought pebbles from the swimming pool. When they called my friend and me to play with them, I teased them about the game, collected all the pebbles and put them back in the pool. I don't know if my friend threw stones at them."
"They mentioned only your name."
"I took the pebbles, but put them back in the pool. The maintenance man was also there and said that he had tried stopping the girls from taking it but they didn't listen."
"If you are sure you didn't do anything, I am fine with it. Just make sure that you never hit or harm anyone," I cautioned him.
"I know they are trying to get me into trouble because I teased them about their game saying it was childish," he added.
The next evening, I brought this up during dinner in a casual conversation since I wanted my husband also to know about it. My elder daughter jumped in, "Oh that girl! She bosses everyone around. In fact, she told a boy that she will remove his clothes if he didn't listen to her and then told her parents that the boy (who is all of 6 years, by the way) had said it to her. Her father went to pick a fight with the boy's parents for this offensive statement."
I was shocked and bothered. Her accusing my son of throwing stones at her paled in contrast. On further investigation, I came to know:
Boys A&B - bother younger and smaller than her - were playing with her. She twisted the finger of Boy A, who hit her back. The fight picked up steam and she pulled off the glasses of Boy B, who, seeing she didn't wear anything he could pull off except clothes, threatened to do that. The girl threatened the boys, "I will get you into trouble." And she did just that, accusing the boys of twisting her finger and threatening her with stripping. The next day, she also asked Boy A how his mother had reacted after her father had complained.
Children play, hit each other, even say bad things. Yes, they also manipulate. As adults, we must let them deal with it, soothe them and teach them to let it go or make an issue only if it is repeated. If we fight their battles for them, then the tendency to manipulate will only be reinforced.
But what shook me was that this was no innocent children's fight, to be forgotten by morning after a good night's sleep.
And, if she had accused an older boy of this, or if she continues this manipulation as she grows older - which she well may because of its success now, boys had better watch out.
Thirdly, if boys' parents think their sons can do no harm, do girls' parents also assume their daughters are innocent and it is the boys who initiate all mischief?
The Tamil saying, don't believe your eyes, don't believe your ears; investigate well before making a case is very apt for such occasions.
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