Small Joys

As I waited for my daughter to finish practicing yesterday for a music program this Saturday, another waiting mother informed me, "There is practice on Saturday morning too. I cannot bring my son. In any case, there are 40 children singing. What difference will one voice make?"

Hmmm... I thought. Why do I have to, too? Don't I have enough on my plate already?

So when I was driving back with my eight-year-old daughter, she mentioned something about the program and I casually remarked, "Forty kids. How does it matter if one sings or not."

She replied, "No ma! See we get to sing in such places, and practice! Can we call the grandparents?"

I was chastised immediately and said lamely, "That's the right attitude."

This morning, she chirped around the house happily, "I am so excited. I get selected in all music related things. I am in choir (there is a school choir, which is how she ended up in this program), I am in this program, and I am in the school music programs too!"

They are all by the same teacher... But why spoil her fun, when it makes her eyes shine so!

Am I glad she sometimes does not listen to me!

Anubavangal: இந்தக்காலத்துப்பசங்க!

Anubavangal: இந்தக்காலத்துப்பசங்க!: ஒரு பெரிய தொழிலதபரைப் பேட்டிக் காணச் சென்றிருந்தேன். என்னுடன் மூன்று இளைஞர்களும் இருந்தார்கள். முதலில் அந்த அதிபரை தனியாக சந்தித்து என்ன ப...

Warning Bells

Yesterday's newspaper said:

* Sale of two wheelers in rural areas coming down because of dropping purchasing power.
* Kingfisher plunging into deep sea, and not to catch a fish but to be caught in the net.
* Spicejet - problems

And the other usual stories about not enough medical care reaching people in the rural areas. Not enough schools, infrastructure...etc.

Met a leading academician who has made a name for his mentoring, and he talked of how short sighted government employees were, unable to see the value of rural ventures and making their life hell... Not many would want to get into that segment.
Met a social entrepreneur today who wonders if charity is dying in India.
A full page ad asks for contributions for an old people's home...

And then I see Audis and BMWs and Mercedes on the road.
I see monthly food bills from eating out that can feed entire families for months.
We do charity, no doubt. We do as much as we can... No guilt there.

But the disparity is wide - getting wider. Can the system withstand it? For how long?

If one card topples, it brings the entire pack down.

Any thoughts, anybody, how to stop the shake up?

We Are Our Parents

I stand in the kitchen, shouting at my son. "You know the veggies make you grow tall and strong. How can you make me say it to you everyday!"

Flashback to my childhood, and well into teenage. "Please have this beans. It tastes yummy," my parents and siblings would persuade me, unsuccessfully.

"Greens are important for making your hair grow well," I attack my daughter as she crosses her arms and pouts on seeing palak paneer on her plate.

I can even then remember how I was about greens. For a person whose plate would only accept lady's finger and potatoes, I expect a lot from my children!

"Just spend 10 min doing one subject and you will be fine."

Sigh, I wish I had done that as a kid.

I turn on my children, "You will have children just like you!"

My dad smiles at me and says, "I am glad to see your children are just like you, giving you a hard time."

Anubavangal: Nizhal

Anubavangal: Nizhal: நேற்று ஒரு நடுத்தர வயதான தம்பதியரை சந்திக்கச்சென்றிருந்தேன். அவர்களுடன் பெசிக்கொண்டிருந்தப்போழுது சில பழைய நினைவுகளை அவர்கள் பகிர்ந்துக்கொண்...

Anubavangal: Vaakjaalam - The Word Trap

Anubavangal: Vaakjaalam - The Word Trap: என் மகள் தமிழ் படித்து முடிப்பதற்குள் எனக்கே தமிழ் மறந்து போய் விடும் போல இருக்கிறது. எழுத்துக்கூட்டி படித்தாலும், அந்த வார்த்தைகளே என்ன என்...

Old and New Bonds

My belief is that after a particular age, as we become involved in our professional life, and establish a relationship with our spouse and his/her family, old relationships start taking a backseat. We seldom have the time, even if the inclination is there, to keep up with old bonds. We make acquaintances but rarely friends. In the initial honeymoon period of our marriage and ascending career, this is all that we can manage, and the rest of the world seems redundant.

But as time goes, the new spouse becomes the familiar other half, we are suddenly left with some vacuum within us. Professional growth may be smooth, or may not be. Personal life may have become routine stuff. We discover that however close, there are somethings that a spouse can understand only so much.

And then we feel the need for friends - to let our hair down, to put our feet up, to chill, to pour out, or listen to stories other than our own.

Social media is a blessing in helping reconnect. But even then, no one can take the place of the people we grew up with - be it siblings or friends, and hearing their voices or seeing their faces.

Today is neither Friendship Day, nor Brother/Sister/Mother/Father Day. But every day is all of that. In forming new bonds, don't let go of the old. It is a struggle, but at the end of it, when you can talk to one of these for 10 minutes without worrying about being judged, it is worth that struggle.

Anubavangal: Vithiyin Vilaiyattu - The Conspiring Destiny

Anubavangal: Vithiyin Vilaiyattu - The Conspiring Destiny: "அது எப்படி? சில நேரங்களில், சில கேள்விகள் நம் மனதை பாதிக்கும் பொழுது, நம்பளையும் அறியாமல் நமக்கு பதில் கொடுப்பவர்கள் நம் எதிரே எதேச்சியாக தோ..."

The Power to Hurt

Though it is the turn of my Tamil blog, the comment on my previous post on sealing the breach made me think. "Friendship means never having to say sorry." But that's for the person who feels hurt to say! I was thinking about it and I felt it means something else. Friendship means never doing something for which you have to say sorry.

A friend is one whom we trust with our secrets, our emotions, our thoughts, plans...etc. Therefore, the person has a tremendous responsibility towards us. If this sounds ego-centric, let me turn it around. A friend is one who trusts us with his or her emotions, secrets. It is our responsibility therefore to preserve and protect the trust and the person. The hurt happens when one breaks that trust. A stranger does not have the ability to hurt us. Only a loved one can. Therefore, I feel any break of trust causes even deeper hurt than otherwise.

Therefore, to say a friend does not have to say sorry doesn't fit in right. What it may mean is, when they genuinely regret it, probably we would be the first to realise and forget. But that prerogative lies with the person who has been hurt. If one realises that one has caused a hurt, to realise what it means to the person and apologise right away would be very important. I believe all those who have experienced being hurt by a friend would agree.

Sealing the Breach

I loved Rock On for the most part. Farhan Akhtar was cool, and Arjun Rampal a darling. But somehow, the way their friendship breaks and the way they meet after years and just move on as if nothing had happened left me feeling dissatisfied. The hurt had gone deep, especially affecting Arjun's life. Would just a hug have been enough, I wondered.

Then came Luck by Chance, where Konkana Sen sends FA off. Though startling since in Hindi commercial movie that's a difficult call for the heroine to take, it was believable but again, dissatisfying. Shouldn't the hero get the girl in the end? (No satisfying us, is there?)

And now comes Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, and though at the obvious level, this is not what the movie is actually about, I think this getting hurt and apologising were handled best here. Just saying sorry is not enough. Meeting after years does is not enough to overlook the past. There is a mindset that is needed in both the persons - the one who causes the hurt and the one who was hurt. Till both are ready, the seeking and bestowing forgiveness cannot happen.

Of course, all three movies, and FA's first venture with Dil Chahta Hai establish him as a great story teller. He seems to linger around this theme of making mistakes and forgiving, forgetting at least a part of the story. There are two-three story lines running parallely, and each handled well.

I will def watch out for more of his movies.

Change of Plans, sigh!

It's very tiresome, this need to constantly adjust one's thoughts and plans. I finally decided that I should give in to temptation, not resist the strong urge and become size zero. I worked out the plan, the exercise regime, the diet - albeit reluctantly, and, Bingo, I am told all this is not needed anymore!

Times Life tells me that I don't really have to. Unable to keep me out of the ramp any longer for want of the requisite size, they have now changed the criterion and want "real women" - basically, plus sizes, on stage.

What took them so long to realise this? Couldn't they have done this earlier?

What do I do with the plans, now? Maybe too late by the time the size zero comes back in fashion!

Carbon Copies

Genetic imprint? Call it what one may, it is strange how certain patterns of behaviours and games repeat themselves.

"Amma, Sadhvi says she has vampire teeth. If she bites, she can suck blood and she enjoys the taste," my daughter told me, transporting me back immediately to my early school days.

"Nisha says you love eating human flesh," I remember a friend telling me about another friend. I had sat down and cried - quite a melodramatic scene it was. All the boys and girls surrounded me and asked me to have lunch. I said, "No, I will only have flesh!" Wonder why no one thought of calling the bluff and saying there was plenty around me to bite into!

"There is ghost" is another all time favourite.

How do these tales find their way into the mouths of every school-going child sometime or the other?

Parenting Debate

Will this ever end? Especially when there are three generations under the same roof!

You need to be strict, the grandparents agree, and then undo the strictness by indulging.

Our system of mugging tables was best, says grandfather, unable to relate to the Montessori system. What system is this that doesn't help child keep numbers at finger tips? How can they complain about the child that she doesn't know? - he asks incensed. Try telling him that they are not complaining about her lack of knowledge but lack of application.

Are they eating well, they ask with concern about the children. And then promptly buy all the junk food they love.

Go go, get ready/go to bed, they send the children, and then sit back listening to their tall tales.

They may be at variance on some points, but who cannot help smiling when the child runs to the grandparent to share the tales, enjoy the stories they tell and bite into the goodies they bring? There is much more noise at any point of the day, there is much more life.

Benign Parenting

Back to School

Summer vacations over - and at the end of it, it does seem to have flown by quickly.

Saw my son growing up - from being dependent on my daughter, his elder sister, for playing with friends, he has learnt to make his own friends and deal with his situations.

Cricket bat and ball - that is all he can think of all the time.

Even the fights between my daughter and son were about cricket - it was a no ball, it is an LBW, you are clean bold, it is a wide ball... Amazed how much they pick up quickly!

For daughter too, not having her younger brother around her has been unsettling though a relief in some ways. She is defining herself - I get irritated quickly, I don't like doing certain things, I love certain other things...

Mini adults is how I see them - sigh, except when they have to do their chores...

Lock for the Mouth

There was a choice. When the I heard another I enthusiastically, innocently assume its presence made a world of difference, to break that moment with truth.

The I raised its head, protesting that another I could presume so much. Compassion asked it to be quiet - the joy in the other's eyes was more important than breaking the I.

But the I bristled. It is falsehood, it said self-righteously.

So? asked Compassion. It's a harmless delusion.

Then I sulked. It upsets the balance, the I said. It was like a personal challenge that the I had to take up.

When the moment of decision came, the I blurted out, unmindful of all counter arguments, unmindful of the fading light in the other's eyes. But the dimming lights made it pause. It was a pyrhhic victory, at best, it realised too late.

Compassion stepped in, but it was too late. If only there had been a lock ready for the mouth.

A Habit?

If you behave, you will get a chocolate.

You can play video games if you complete your homework.

You will get a cycle if you do well in exams.

Offer this money in the temple and pray that you succeed in this competition.

I have promised god that you will tonsure your head if you get through in engineering.

I paid the traffic policeman a 100 to avoid going to the station for jumping the signal.

Pay that tout, we will get the passport faster.

Buy in black, I have to watch this movie today.

Pay the shopkeeper extra so that he will deliver the gas cylinder early for you...

From childhood to adulthood, this is all we see and do.

Have we done anything purely on merit? Can we blame only a class of people for corruption.

When a hospital/doctor knows you can claim medical bills, they hike up their charges. A doctor says that this is the most corrupt field - with liasioning between doctors and medical shops, diagnostic centres, etc.

A man I met yesterday says corruption is highest in temples. For every stage of temple construction and maintenance there is money filling up pockets.

Judges...we have scams as headlines.

Teachers - tuitions, the best way to win their favour.

Journalists - the gift at the press conference had better be good!

Where do we begin to clean?

The Lotus

A water drop fell on its petals. The petal sagged a bit, enjoying the feel of the cool drop on its skin. It let the drop roll down the length of its petal before falling into the water below and merging with it.

It looked up again to see if another drop would make its way. A slight disappointment that the water had run off bothered it awhile till the sun came up and burned the earth below. The lotus looked up and smiled, basking in its warmth, blooming happily, swaying in the gentle breeze.

The sun came down, and the petals closed, drooping sadly at the end to a good day.

The dew drops will fall again, the sun will rise again, the lotus thought before the last of its petals closed.

Benign Parenting

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. - Kahlil Gibran.

A quote I fervently hold on to, and so am probably almost a negligent parent. I believe children have to find their way around in life as best as they can, and we can only provide them with a secure home to come back to.

So when my children have problems with their friends, I have a hands off policy - deal with it yourself, see what is it that you can do to make it better.

But when recently my daughter was denied entry into the house of the friend she is closest to, I was upset. Maybe because adults had intervened. The girl's grandparents passed an edict against my daughter, and this time, I knew she was not at fault as the incident had happened when I was around. I saw my daughter depressed that evening, and I felt a rock in my stomach. I tried not to get involved. But for three days she went to their house hoping to be let in and wasn't. I wanted to rage against the grandparents, call the mother and amicably resolve this, then decided against all of it.

Three days later, she wanted to bring this friend swimming with us, I frowned.

Before I could comment, the girl was here, and they made plans and she left to get ready.

My daughter came to me, visibly excited, her eyes shining, "Amma, do you think this girl and I are related? Like is she your father's brother's brother's brother's cousin's cousin's cousin or something like that?"

"Why?" I asked, already feeling stupid for getting emotionally attached to this issue.

"We fight, but... We spend the entire time togeter - except mornings. I feel we maybe related, we are very close."

I silently took the two swimming and watched the girl teach my daughter breast stroke. I realised for the nth time that though my daughter still preferred the shallow side in the pool, because of this girl, she dares go underwater and is less frightened of water.

The only thing I can say in my defense is, I kept my trap shut even when I was raring to blast out.

Killing with Kindness

For some space, peace and silence. No solicitous enquiries, no being taken care of, no benign watching over.

And then walks in a friend, a relative, a neighbour, with good intentions, wanting to give you care, help you tide over the period.. They genuinely care. This is their moment to show they care. They think you need the care.

But do you? Are you ready for it? Even if you beg to be spared their kindness and they insist? Are you being ungrateful or the caregiver being a pest?

It seems like an ego trip for the care-giver, an opportunity to show off, or a way not to feel guilty that they did any less. And it seems as if your independence, your privacy is gone.

Can we thrust care down someone's throat just because they are down, out or we think they need it?

If we keep a distance, will they think us uncaring?

If we ignore their offer for care, are we a snob?

Is it just a perspective, yet another puzzle in human relationships that never fits?

Also on: Perspective

Growing Up: Part II

My son was my daughter's shadow. Even if he was surrounded by other friends, he needed her to take him down, be around, include him in her games and bring him back home safely.

She was a little mother, even if complaining sometimes, willing still.

Then he turned 5. And he announced, "You go down, I will follow. Tell me where you will be."

I had been panicking that he will end up playing girly games, that he will only have girls for friends.

Today, he doesn't care if she is there or not. He goes down and comes up on his own. Plays with older boys, and complains he gets out quickly in cricket. But he is thrilled to be with boys.

But he is suddenly a little man. A rowdy, more like.

When my daughter grew up: Growing Up