I love reading books and watching movies. More than movies, the books. Because, you can drift into a wonderland, imagine how it would be, be a part of the scene witnessing the events without becoming involved.
But after I put the book down, sometimes I am in that world, imagining conversations and scenes between the character and me. At one point, though, the futility of it hits me. Unless I want to write fan fiction, I can see that that character and my paths will never cross. I am not a character in the book and nobody writes me into a book, not even me. Some aspects of me may be reflected in some characters I write, but the dialogues the character speaks or the actions and behaviour are not necessarily unique to me.
And then the thought crosses my mind - what makes me sure that I am not a character in some story? How do I know that what I am living is not part of something larger that has been written and is being read or watched? That I am a minor character who fills up the scene as a passerby whose name is not worth mentioning but is needed to make the scene come alive?
Even in stories, people pinch themselves to see if some particular event is real. So stop pinching yourself, Meera, the pain means nothing!
Really, pain means nothing?
When we read or watch an emotional scene, we start crying. Or, if someone misbehaves, we get angry. Or, we laugh heartily when a comedy scene unfolds in front of us. We enjoy a movie that takes us through these emotions, which is evocative of some emotion - any. Even in a movie filled with violence, we find catharsis. Or fantasies, although we know it is all false. We are so engrossed in the magic of it. It has to be realistic. Or completely unreal to derive a different kind of joy.
We the readers and audience get sucked in, start living the lives of the characters, feel the emotions, get affected by what happens to them, want them to win and the bad men to lose. At that moment, that is the world we inhabit and it is the only reality for us. We don't even hear being called, lose track of the cooker whistle, let vegetables burn, milk boil over, even let a child cry because they don't exist for us at that moment. Our reality is this make-believe world!
But if our world, the world we think as real, what if that is also only make-believe? What if we are just characters? What if we are just puppets simply donning roles and acting out the characters as it has been written. A book character is less lucky, vanishing after one book or a series, but let's look at actors in a movie.
An actor may die in one movie but kill in the next, romance in the third and be a con man in the fourth. What if our journey is also that of an actor and we simply move from one role to another, not in one lifetime, but in different lifetimes--different movies, let's say?
Yes, just characters, to act and follow the script.
But unlike an actor who knows he is playacting, we take our roles seriously, we take ourselves seriously as if we have scripted our lives. We don't even know which movie we will be acting in, the significance of the role, the duration or, for that matter, how it will end!
And therein lies our fear. We know we don't know and can't accept it. If an actor is always insecure about his or her sustained popularity, of being brushed aside, of not being recognized, not getting another role, we are scared of leaving our role, of not fulfilling our destiny, of our presence not being acknowledged, of this, of that, something or the other.
Like getting sucked into a story, we get sucked into the scene unfolding around us, in the world, crying, getting angry, feeling happy, and -- just now heard in a movie, wanting 'to belong, to connect' -- as if these are real, as if someone matters, as if anyone is going to be here forever, hold the same views always, remain unchanged...
While we believe a good story is one with ups and downs, twists and turns, in our life, we are confused. An uneventful life is boring, but too many ups and downs is difficult to handle.
Can we watch our life like a movie and our self as a character? Not easy, not possible. But if we do, then we can be a mere spectator, but even as spectator's we get affected when we get drawn in. We have to know it is going to end, that we must play our role, but like actors who know they are acting and discard the role the moment they leave the sets, we must be aware always that we are merely following orders, instruction, or direction given to us. We can improvise, but only so much.
When we watch our life as if watching a movie, we know it will all end up well, and that even if there is tragedy and pain, it will all come to an end.
We just have to believe that this world is make-believe.
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