Dobie and Me: Chapter 18

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Gautam was as if he had been released from prison. There was no holding him back.

Enjoying his new found freedom and making up for lost time, he started travelling often. I saw less and less of him. He had plans for every weekend, and he was busy reviving contact with his friends. He asked me to join him sometimes, but not always, and never hard enough for me to accept. I was relieved, in a way. Dobie was a big reason, but, I could have done something about it.

Sometimes, I wished he would insist that I go with him.

“Do you have to live alone now? There is space for the two of us here,” I told him hesitantly. He just smiled the first time. “I have been a bachelor for long, Mahek,” he pointed out.

“You were also married,” I retorted and then regretted it as I saw him start. I did not bring it up again.

But he seemed to have brooded over this suggestion. One day he surprised me by asking, “My house is bigger. Why don’t you move in?”

It was my turn to hesitate. “My sons will be uncomfortable,” I said.

He shrugged. “You can come here when your sons visit.”

“Manage two establishments! That’s ridiculous,” I said laughing and dismissing it right away. We dropped the topic, having reached an impasse. But he stayed back some nights. Slowly, a few of his personal belongings started finding their way into my house. It started with toothbrush and shaving kit, then night clothes, then even work clothes.

When Shiv came home on a short visit, he noticed the shorts and then stayed away from home that entire weekend. I quietly sent all of Gautam’s things back. I messaged Shiv, “Come home, son. It is still your house.” He came quietly, did not make a single comment, but I observed him scanning the house covertly. I messaged Gautam not to come that week, till Shiv left.

He didn’t come even after Shiv returned to his college. “Busy?” I messaged him. “When are you coming?”

There was no reply almost that entire day. Then I got one that night, “Should I wait for Amit also to finish visiting?” I realised he was hurt.

“Sorry, Shiv is still touchy,” I replied trying to placate him.

“He is an adult,” came his crisp reply.

I was mortified. “All the more difficult for him to accept it,” I replied, maybe more harshly than I intended.

He remained silent and kept away. I went to his house and begged not to ignore me. “I am torn in confusion Gautam,” I whispered and almost flung myself on him.

He relented, but he stopped staying over. Sometimes he was moody. I had caught a glimpse of this moodiness when he had taken me out for lunch the first time. I tried to coax him out of the mood one day when he surprised me by asking me to move in with him.

“It’s not possible, and you know it,” I told him firmly.

We went back and forth and started arguing. Exasperated, I finally asked, “What does it matter whether we stay together or not? We can see each other any time we want!”

“I may want something more!” he replied angrily.

I frowned in irritation. “Since when!”

“We both have no other entanglements, no complications. So why can’t we make it official!”

“Official!” I asked in panic. “You are asking us to live in together? Marry?”

“We are a couple, so why not?” he asked, forcing me to face the truth.

“It is just… I mean, you will not understand! You cannot imagine what it is to have grown up sons and to think of a relationship with a man who is not their father!” I blurted out.

He stared at me grimly, as if severely disappointed. I fumbled mortified, “I mean…”

“Come on, Mahek!” he said exasperated. “You are embarrassed about us, after all these months! Your children know about us. I am sure your friends, and even neighbours do!”

I hung my head, unable to meet his eyes. “Yes, Gautam! They know about us. But… My sons are on the threshold of starting a life and…”

He frowned as if trying to make sense of it all. “What about me? I haven’t even had a go at my life!”

I looked up, staring into his eyes. What could I tell him? That he had thrown the chance he had? I buried my face in my hands.

“Shivani was right!” he muttered.

I looked up startled, not sure I had heard right. “What? Who?”

He shook his head, wished me good night and left.

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